Job Description

I've been bamboozled! Isn't motherhood supposed to be like the Gerber commercials?

I want you to go with me now, to the place where the baby sleeps peacefully while you read a book by a roaring fire. The older children are playing quietly so as not to disturb the slumber of the peaceful baby. (Who, by the way, isn't spotted with bruises and scrapes from his many encounters with the floor, wall or other obstruction!) Boys are neatly dressed in clothes without set-in stains and holes in the knees. And the mother is smartly clothed in a pale pink cashmere twinset.

All a pack of lies! A deception set forth to make sleep deprived and unsuspecting moms buy products that might make them get one step closer to the "Gerber" commercial. It is a conspiracy!

Most days I don't let myself get sucked into the delusion. Other days, however, I just wish. I wish for serenity and calmness and everything Gerber-esque.

Recently, I've been doing the wishing. I've planned and hosted my own little pity party where I am the guest of honor. It is a party to remember and long for the days in Greenwich where I had dozens of students, production meetings, classes to teach, meetings to attend and friends to visit. I was someone important. I had something to do.

Now, I do nothing. I take care of the boys, try to keep the house from disappearing under dirt and grime, and go to church. When Jay asks me, "What did you do today?" I ponder the question and the answer is always the same. "Nothing. A big fat nothing. Nothing new or different to report."

In an effort to extract myself from the never ending party of pity, I decide to conduct an experiment. I decide to write down what I do in a day.

Here are the results (Mostly in random order):

Change Kai and give him a bottle.

Shortly thereafter I call the Poison Control Center for instructions on what to do after a baby has eaten dishwasher detergent.

Clean up the copious amounts of throw-up that was brought on by the detergent.

Give another bottle and change Kai's clothes.

*All of that was accomplished before 7:00 a.m.

For breakfast I prepare 2 eggs on toast, cereal, oatmeal and bananas (NOT the instant variety), and section a grapefruit.

Take Drew to and from preschool.

Prepare 4 snacks.

Dispense numerous cups of juice (watered down, of course).

Make homemade pizza, rice cereal and pears (both homemade, not from a box or jar), applesauce and make a hamburger and asparagus for myself. (No carbs or sugar for me!!!)

Change 3 poopie diapers.

Supervise an art project, sort the toys, clean a toilet, put away the laundry, load and unload the dishwasher, read 4 books, have an impromptu photo shoot, make cookies, and wipe noses.

**All of this was done while wearing my leopard print, peep-toe wedges. I find that wearing a sassy shoe helps you forget that you have oatmeal crusted on your shirt and Cherrios crunching underfoot!

After I went to the gym and ran 2 miles, biked 8, and pumped some iron (NOT while wearing the aforementioned shoes!) I made grilled chicken, Brussels sprouts and sweet potatoes.

Then Jay gets home and we work on the bedtime routine and then collapse into bed. (After I blog and catch up on email and read a

magazine article.)

The conclusion to my experiment?

Life changes.

Perspectives broaden.

The Pity Party is over. Everyone can go home......and the Gerber commercials aren't invited into my home ever again!

What will I say when Jay asks, "What did you do today?"

I'll probably still say, "Nothing."