On Forgetting

I've stated from the beginning of my blogging experience that this little online journal is a way of documenting for my boys the experiences in our lives that make us who we are. The things that bind us together, make me rip my hair out, melt my heart or just boggle my mind. It is my way of coping with the mundane, a means to see the humor in disaster, laugh at the absurd, reprimand my soda-loving husband (ha!), and compile some family photos.

It is so my boys will read these accounts and see me not just as their mother but as a person with feelings and faults and hopes and sometimes regrets.

It is also so I won't forget.

I don't want to forget that Kai's plump cheeks have such a satisfying jiggle when he walks or runs. Or that his bottom is so round and squishy and delicious that I sometimes have to bite the inside of my cheek to stop from squeezing him too hard. And how he turns my face to his to make sure that I am paying attention to his baby jabbering. And that he isn't satisfied until I've replied to his chatter. I can't forget that he says "no" when what he really means is "yes." Or that he brings me his blanket and says, "Kai" when he wants me to cuddle with him. (I wish, however, I could forget that he flings his food from his high chair like a monkey in a cage.)

I don't want to forget that Owen gives me unprovoked kisses and hugs at the oddest of times. And that I always stop to receive them because his hugs are as important to my soul as air is to my lungs. I want to remember that right now his face is smooth and soft. (Someday it will be rough and gruff with whiskers. Oh, how will I bear it?) I hope he always wants to give me hugs and I hope he always squeezes just as tight. And if he doesn't, I'll still squeeze him just as tight anyway. And I'll always be his "prettiest princess." Even when he takes a wonderful girl to the temple to be married, I'll secretly and quietly still feel like his prettiest princess....even when he's telling his new bride that she has the title.

I don't want to forget that Drew is enduring being the oldest child like a champ. All our mistakes as parents tend to be concentrated in his direction! I don't want to forget that he acts like I'm Barbra Streisand when I sing him "The Star Spangled Banner" at night. I want to remember that what is momentous in the eyes of everyone else just seems like no big deal to Drew. Like Kindergarten....he is completely non-plussed and takes everything in stride. But little things like where we sit at the dinner table are HUGE to him. I don't want to forget that he is cautious and studious and maddeningly literal....and the best traveler around.

While I'm busy not forgetting, the boys are hopefully busy forgetting my multiple mistakes. Like today at Target when I said, "Fine, if you want to go ahead and get hit by a car.....see how much you like it.....and then you can apologize to me for not obeying and holding on to the cart like I asked!"

I said that, I really did.

And I said it loud.

And then I looked at another Mom with two cute little girls that were happily sitting in the cart just as quiet as can be. And that mother looked at me. And I was ashamed.

And I was jealous. (And simultaneously ashamed that I was jealous!) Jealous of her child that was happy to sit in the cart...unlike screaming Kai. And jealous of the other one that wasn't licking the cart handle like Owen just did.

And then I remembered what I just said to my children....the whole getting hit by a car outburst, and I rushed inside with my cheeks burning red with embarrassment.

I hope my boys will forget that.

I hope that Kai will forget that today at a Fall Festival place I looked him squarely in the eye and through my frustration and anger asked him, "Why can't you just be still and quiet and let me enjoy myself for once? Why can't you stop making my life so hard?" And in that moment I really meant it. And all Kai was trying to do was stick his hand up the slimy nose of a hungry calf and poke his finger at the poop chute of a goat. (I hate petting zoos.)

Do you think that maybe the rear end of that goat will be so memorable that Kai won't remember what I said to him?