Fear and Trembling

What can I say about being a mom?

It is hard.
It is exhausting.
It is thrilling.
It is unpredictable.

And it is also scary.

Sometimes very scary.

There are a million things that could go wrong with these wonderful little beings that are entrusted to my care. There are germs and viruses and accidents and ticks.

Kai had a tiny little deer tick on his arm that may or may not carry Lyme disease. Such a tiny little thing carries such uncertainty. (I'm referring to the tick as Kai isn't tiny!)

"May or May Not." I hate that phrase. All it really means is that you sit around sweating bullets and crossing your fingers while some dread disease could be percolating in your child. And just when you are convinced that you are in the winner's circle, you start to wonder....maybe not.

All I can say is DON'T look on the Internet. It is an evil device that seeks to destroy your sanity and make you worry and wonder about a simple paper cut that may or may not, eventually, some day, possibly lead to gangrene and the amputation of your finger. All because some man in eastern Mongolia actually had it happen to him. It may or may not happen to you so perhaps paper should be banned. And while you're at it, remove all the pencils from your home because lead is a serious danger!

I like absolutes. And nothing about being a mom is absolute except for the fact that I love them even when they toot in church and embarrass me in the grocery store. What mom doesn't have an embarrassing grocery store moment....or two....or ten? It's a rite of passage.

I don't live in fear every day. In fact, most days I don't think of it at all. Usually I am the one slaying fire breathing dragons with a single death stare and banishing the boogie man under the bed with a magic night light...or two.

But some days I want to construct a Spencer family bunker and haul all sorts of necessities in it (like a TV and DVD player) and gather Jay, Drew, Owen and Kai in our protective nest and stay there for a long time; blissfully impervious to danger and doom (and ticks).

But then I realize that I'd be couped up in extremely close quarters with 3 rowdy boys and 1 restless husband. That certainly isn't safe. Not for my mental sanity or the boys' necks that I'm sure I'd want to wring.

There is no easy answer. I'm discovering that some days are just days where you wish with all the energy you have left, that time would freeze and boys wouldn't grow up and seek after the danger you so desperately tried to shield them from.

Then there are days and weeks that can't go fast enough until those same boys can learn to do it on their own while you sit back and admire your parental handiwork.

That is, assuming I can last that long and still have the mental faculties to enjoy it!

Trip to Washington DC Temple
July 3rd